A dull ache....

So, I told Allison how I feel last night, and it went really well. We were holding hands on the way back to our cars, and then we were chatting into all hours of the night. About anything and everything. She really is incredibly wonderful. Incredibly. Everything we said seemed to agree with things we've always thought. We really seemed to click real well. If it wasn't for her going to school in Ohio... I think we could've been something really wonderful.
And that's where the ache comes in. She kissed me last night, after it all, and... It was wonderful. Unlike anything I've ever experienced before in my life. A rush of euphoria and an instant escape at the touch of the lips. It felt like everything everything else in the world evaporated, except for our lips. Just for a split second. It was bizarre. Something so seemingly simple turns into the biggest thing a human can feel. That's what life's all about, isn't it? Discovering how to live a happy life, through things you never really accredited to anything.
I wish she didn't have to go to Ohio. It kills me to think that that second of bliss has to stay in that blip of time, and not go anywhere else. Maybe one day it can happen again. I truly hope it will.

For now, I've got my talent to blend myself with. This may not have worked out now, but it might later. And if not with her, someone else, as much as I hate to say that. I really wish it would be her. But, wishing doesn't get you anywhere a lot of the time, and currently, wishing has gotten me an abundance of musical talent. Talent that I need to jump on, and ride for the rest of my life. So, that will become my focus. It is my focus. Maybe her not being with me in the long run will help me. Maybe this is the point in my life where I need to be 100% music, and nothing else. Get every part of my passion situated and clocked, so that when the time comes for something so wonderful to pass my way again, music won't need work. It'll need producing.

Allison, thank you. I'm never going to forget you now, you're my first kiss, haha. I don't know if you know that or not, but you are. And I really do hope that you'll miss me when you move back to Ohio. Maybe enough to give it a shot. It would be a long one, but at least it'd be a shot. Of course, I'm not going to ask that of you though. That's just me wishing this would work. I'm not really upset. Just frustrated that you're here now, but won't be soon. This is a large situation filled to the brim with maybes, and maybe I'll pick on out, and maybe it'll be the right one. Maybe, it'll have your name on it. Then, definitely, I'll be overjoyed.

Jess

A Talented Intimidation

So, I've made it no secret about how lately, magical things have been happening to me musically. I find it fascinating that I can simply be sitting during a rehearsal, and instantly come up with chords to a verse I've been trying to write. It's outstanding. Not only was it spur of the moment, but it was good. Very good. My buddy, Tom, jumped on the drums and said, "Yeah, the drums should be like this." And it was incredible. I flipped a lid. This has never happened to me before, and quite honestly, I think it's all do to these anti-depressants.

Depression and anxiety, for most my life, has had a gay ole time messing with my brain. Now that I'm on these pills, I have so much more room for the thing that means the most to me. I'll wake up in the middle of the night with a drum line in my head. I'll be driving to rehearsal, and chords will come out of no where. It's sheer magic, I have simply no doubt about it. And I'm only 19. Just wait and see where this is going to take me. Nothing has ever been more exciting.

Unfortunately, I think I'm the only one excited. Chase, my band mate, seems intimidated... almost scared of it. Whenever I talk about it, he retracts and goes into an odd sort of defense that I can't explain. Is it jealousy? Or does he not believe me? It's odd. When it comes right down to it though, I don't need him to believe me. I believe me. I am writing these songs that simply sound huge, with so much force behind them... with a little work on my lyrics, I can really be one hell of a songwriter. I am one hell of a songwriter...

With that, I think my newest creation needs to be written down. I love this musicians notebook. I've never gotten such a kick out of writing until I see a whole song of mine down in staves. It's just wonderful.

I'll write more often now. Really.
Jess